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“I can’t do this, Dare. I can’t fucking leave you.” His body shudders against mine.
“Baby, you have to leave. You can do hard things, Harlan.” I rub my hand up and down his spine, memorizing the feel of him in my arms. Something settles in me, something deep that I can’t identify. When his body is near mine, everything feels…complete. I don’t acknowledge that this will be the last time I hold him close. If I think too hard about it, I may not let him leave. As much as I want him to stay, I desperately need him to go.
“I hate that I did this to us. I hate that you’re angry with me. That I’m going to get on that plane tomorrow morning, and that’s it for us. How do I live a life that doesn’t include you?” His crying has gone from sobs to quiet tears, and he attempts to get closer. I hold him a little tighter as he slides one of his legs between mine. His face is buried under my chin, and his arms are wrapped around me, leaving no space between us. Our bodies are like magnets that way; they always find their way to each other.
“I don’t want tonight to be about that, ok? We can’t change what happened. We can only control what choices we make moving forward.” I don’t tell him that I’m also falling apart. That I haven’t had a moment of peace since the night I came home from LA. I don’t tell him that I’m not sure how to live my life without him, without the most essential part of me.
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